A Letter to Potential

This letter was written the day I took our home pregnancy test. It took me a few days to muster up the nerve to go to the store to get it. It seems like it was yesterday, but it was 5 months ago now. I’m working really hard to pay attention to all the little moments. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time, and never again will this experience be the same. I know how lucky we are, and I am grateful for it every day. Here’s to our next big adventure!

Hi there little one. I’m writing this before I even know if you exist or not. I’m writing this because I am so excited for you, and if it turns out you’re not really there, I still want you to know that I love you. I love the potential of you. I love the excitement you generate, and I don’t want that to be lost just yet.

I’m terrified to take that test because I’m afraid that it’s going to tell me you’re not real. I’m afraid it’s going to tell me that I need to wait just a little bit longer to see you. I’ve been thinking a lot about that moment. When I get to see your face, your eyes, your lips, all for the first time. When I get to hear your voice for the very first time.

But that is so far away yet. I don’t want to lose these moments that we get to share before then. Including this one, where I still don’t know for sure if you exist or not. There are so many possibilities for you right now. I don’t want to take that away from you yet.

I want you to know how loved you are, little one. I’ve already talked to you. Quietly, so Nathan doesn’t think I’m weird yet. He went to sleep early last night and I laid there, thinking about you. Holding my hand over where you would be. Sending my infinite love to you.

I woke up early this morning, thinking of you. I thought how perfect it would be to be able to tell your grandparents about you for Christmas. I thought about how your due date is really going to screw up your Aunt Sally’s summer plans.

You are going to be so loved by so many people. You are already loved by me. Your Nan and Pop are going to be over the moon when they hear about you. I keep trying to think of the best way to tell them. It will be such a special moment. One that will go down in the history books as one of the best days ever!

And your Nanny and Grampa are going to be overjoyed! There will be tears of joy, just for you! They already have grandkids, but none quite like you. I feel like they’ll be over to visit a lot as you grow. One of the benefits of being not too too far. You are going to be so loved!

And your dad…oh sweet darling, your dad is going to be the most amazing dad ever. We have grown together over the last 7 years so that we could be as good as we could be for you. He’s going to take you on so many adventures. Whatever you want, he will work his ass off to get it for you. Or to show you how you can get it yourself. He will support you through everything, as he has supported your mom. But this will be different. You are part of him, and that is special beyond description. When I think about the first time I see you, I also picture the first time your dad sees you. That moment overfills my heart.

You overfill our hearts. And we don’t even know if you exist yet. I’m afraid to take the test. You’re the opposite of Schrödinger’s Cat. I need to open that box at some point, but I’m afraid of what I’ll find. Or won’t find. I’ve been disappointed before, and I love the thought of you. I love the potential of you. I don’t want to lose that just yet. Because you are so loved.